I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
