yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
