Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
