um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
