Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I would ride that face into the sunset
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
