Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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