if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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