Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
