Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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