so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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