Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
