The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
