Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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