I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
