Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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