Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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