i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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