So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
