Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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