Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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