I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
