I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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