It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
