Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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