you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
