Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
