The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
