Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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