You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
