i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I came so hard my ears popped.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
