that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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