I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
