possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
