Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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