Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
