I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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