Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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