threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
