Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
