My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I could fuck to npr.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize