what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
