My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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