Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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