; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize