I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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