So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
