Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize