i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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