I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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