Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
