Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
