Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
