We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
