Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My cat gives me a boner
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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