Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
