Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
