Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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