It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
