Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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