You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
