I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
