Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
