he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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