I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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