I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
